RSS Feed Print
Query: The Kitten and The Cloud.
Meg Ripley
Posted: Thursday, May 7, 2015 6:16 PM
Joined: 3/25/2015
Posts: 2


 

Dear Agent's Name,

 

I’m pleased to introduce my novel for your consideration. At 102, 000 words, THE KITTEN AND THE CLOUD is the story of seventeen-year-old Raine Tripp, a tenacious red head who’s been on her own in a post-apocalyptic, Demon infested NYC for three years. Desperate to find out why her deceased family never made it on to Heaven’s Cloud server, God, she’s determined to get her youngest brother’s Soul re-instated before she dies and finds herself without him forever.

 

Raine’s family had afterlife insurance-policy implants at death. She saw them transported for Rapture by Heaven’s contracted Angels with her own eyes. Their Souls never appearing on Heaven’s feed consumes her with bitterness. When a Heaven, Inc. customer service rep contacts Raine claiming that he’s received a commune from her lost little brother, the realization of an error has him hanging up, fast. Someone is keeping the child’s Soul in Limbo on purpose. Devastated at the hang-up, Raine is left wanting revenge against Xavier, Heaven’s chief and the man responsible for stealing her loved ones. With a new legion of Demon disciples at her side, Raine finds herself leading a crusade to reveal a blacklist while seeking retribution for her lost loved ones. Freeing the server bound Souls from God will remove them as political hostages, diffusing an impending global war.

 

My work blends ideas on religion, class and economics in a social critique palatable for the masses. It was written with the back seat libertine in mind and falls in the shadow of V for Vendetta and I am Legend. I have outlined a second book in this series, with a working title: King’s Highway.

 

Thank you eternally for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,


Amber Wolfe
Posted: Thursday, May 7, 2015 9:45 PM
Joined: 7/24/2014
Posts: 539


Hi, Meg.

 

Since it looks like you're new, welcome to Book Country! I'm happy you're diving into the community by posting your query for feedback.

 

As my Grumpy Writing Coach would say, a query letter has only one job--to entice the reader into turning the page and reading more. I'll say your query does sound fairly polished, though I'm no expert, having written just one query that got great feedback.

 

However, you're missing one crucial piece of information; what's the Genre of your story? Place this up with the word count and title, so the Agent you're querying can get that information out of the way and get on with the storyline.

 

Other than that, I can't see anything wrong with the query. But again, not an expert.

 

Amber


Bandicoot
Posted: Thursday, October 15, 2015 1:03 PM
Joined: 9/18/2015
Posts: 2


Hi Meg,
I am a lousy query writer who is in need of help myself, but I will try to do my best for you.
 Meg Ripley wrote:

 

Dear Agent's Name,

 

THE KITTEN AND THE CLOUD is my 102,000 word fantasy novel (is it for young adults or MG? If so mention it) 

 Seventeen-year-old Raine Tripp has been on her own in post-apocalyptic, Demon infested NYC for three years. Desperate to find out why her deceased family never made it  to Heaven’s Cloud server, God, she’s determined to get her youngest brother’s Soul re-instated before she dies and finds herself without him forever.    since I am not familiar with your novel, I am not sure what you are saying here. My suggestion is to rewrite it. Or perhaps delete it, because the next para might suffice. 

Raine’s family had afterlife insurance-policy implants at death. She saw them transported for Rapture by Heaven’s contracted Angels with her own eyes. Their Souls never appearing on Heaven’s feed consumes her with bitterness. Then a Heaven, Inc. customer service rep contacts Raine, claiming that he’s received a commune from her  little lost brother. Someone is keeping the child’s Soul in Limbo on purpose. 


Devastated by what she heard  Raine plans revenge against Xavier, Heaven’s chief and the man responsible for stealing her loved ones. With a new legion of Demon disciples at her side, Raine finds herself leading a crusade to reveal a blacklist while seeking retribution for her lost loved ones. Freeing the server bound Souls from God will remove them as political hostages, diffusing an impending global war.

  I find this sentence unclear as well.

My work blends ideas on religion, class and economics. It was written with the back seat libertine in mind and falls in the shadow of V for Vendetta and I am Legend. I have outlined a second book in this series, with a working title: King’s Highway.

 

Thank you  for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your book - and therefore your query - seems to have some extremely novel ideas/terms. And this makes a query a bit hard to understand. I find your novel concepts intriguing, but I am only a fellow reader/writer. That is the main problem I see in your query.

Hope I have been helpful. Goodluck.