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Does this query reflect the arc of my story?
nancy lopez
Posted: Wednesday, September 28, 2011 3:07 PM
Joined: 8/12/2011
Posts: 23

The arc between reality and illusion quickly crumbles as the truth is revealed to  Seventeen-year-old Mia Slathe. Forced into annihilation by the one person she most trusted, Gabriel, she lives counting sunrises until that day.  Before her time is up, she would do anything to see her family one last time.

 Her plan cannot backfire.  Two warriors of the secret order are rumored to be inhuman perfection.  And as much as they have trained her in the arts of destruction, guard her with as much finesse as a prick finger takes to a cactus, these bottom feeders are her executioners.  There’s no choice for her but to swallow her hatred, face her fears and use her wits and intelligence to find another way out from the secret order by using them.  Her lists of problems continue to grow as she finds herself struggling with internal voices that provoke chaos.  She sets off to locate the lost Aumeros for the sake of proving a worthy candidate to keep around.  Gabriel remains her link to salvation and now he’s gone missing. She starts to question her coerced involvement, making her wonder, why her?

Timing couldn’t be worse. Her plans were starting to show results. An inhuman warrior would soon have to choose between his blood brother and her love.  But when misty shadows appear from nowhere trying to lure her into an early death, her memory starts to falter, and someone will pay the ultimate price.

For those who know, this has been a struggle---not an unusual struggle either.  We all face this.  It's hard trying to break out of synopsis mode.  I clock in at 244 words.  I was thinking, if I shorten this, maybe, I could reach that arc?  Help please. . .

Posted: Wednesday, September 28, 2011 10:01 PM
Joined: 5/12/2011
Posts: 241

Hi Nancy!

I find this a little confusing. Is "arc" the word you want to use in that first sentence? It threw me off right from the start. Also, when you say she was forced into annihilation, I am really scratching my head. "Forced into" sounds like a death sentence that happened already, whereas, the next phrase suggests it's a sentence she is waiting to have executed.

I also don't understand what the secret order is or what she's actually doing there or her relationship to it.

Perhaps begin with "Seventeen-year old Mia Slathe..." then is or has been and tell us what/who she is as the story opens. Then tell what main problem she faces. Then tell us how she will approach the solution to the problem.

I hope that helps a little!
Jay Greenstein
Posted: Thursday, September 29, 2011 5:12 AM
• Forced into annihilation by the one person she most trusted, Gabriel, she lives counting sunrises until that day.

Here’s where I got lost because I have no idea of what’s mean by “annihilation.” I don’t know either how or why she was forced into it, either, so I have no context. I also have no idea of what “that day,” means.

You’re talking about the story as if the reader understands what you mean when you say “the plan cannot backfire.” But the reader doesn’t know what the plan is, why she needs it, and why it matters if it does fail.

Visit www.queryshark.com and you’ll see lots of successful approaches.

nancy lopez
Posted: Thursday, September 29, 2011 7:22 PM
Joined: 8/12/2011
Posts: 23

Jay! You're back!

I sooo s--k at this! But , i am not giving up. I have visited the shark woman.There are plenty of explanations in those queries as to the drama the characters faces.Thanks for sending me your version, it is truly appreciated.
I thought i was following it. Apparently not at all.

i thought i was not to explain the plan but give an arc?

Yes, the beginning is terrible, need to correct.

I posted the first 2 chapters, if u get the chance, I would really like to know what you think. I'm at that editing phase.

I will look into the shark again, and try this again after a few days.


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