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My query. I think its long and not exciting enough?
nancy lopez
Posted: Friday, August 12, 2011 8:35 PM
Joined: 8/12/2011
Posts: 23

When seventeen-year-old Mia Slathe defies her parents and says 'I Do' to Gabriel, her sweet life takes a dismal turn.  They barely step foot in the honeymoon suite when Gabriel confesses he must leave her within the hour.  As his lies unravel, she discovers that Gabriel belongs to a shadowy covenant called the Order, led by powerful men in high places.   Although not all secrets are aired, now that they are married, Mia has no choice but to join the Order of evil men, or die.  Mia regrets her defiance yet swears loyalty to Gabriel's Master in hopes of being reunited with her family.


Nearly two years later,  Gabriel has not returned, having disappeared when his mission goes awry.  Mia has trained diligently, fulfilling her deplorable oath, even conducting her own wicked assignments.  By her side, guarding and watching her constantly, are Rainier and Aidan Von Voss, two ill-tempered, elite warriors rumored to be inhuman.  They could receive instrtuction to kill Mia at any time, should the Masters declare her usefulness obsolete.


Then comes news that she will be allowed to return to Florida to see her family.  Believing this means she has little time left to live, Mia attempts to befriend Rainier by weilding a strategy almost too perfect.  To her surprise, the inhuman 'Beast' returns her feelings.  Unforeseen forces from within her begin to blur the line between illusion and reality.  What is the meaning behind her dreams and visions?  Is the Order suppressing her memories?  Is Gabriel still alive?  Will she live long enough to uncover the answers? 


***** is a young adult novel that follows Mia's struggles at overcoming her adversities in order to protect those she loves.  This is the first book in a four-part series, and has been completed at 124,000 words. 

What do you all think?  Too boring?


Posted: Friday, August 19, 2011 6:31 PM
Joined: 3/29/2011
Posts: 25

Your story sounds interesting and the query is well written, but I'm not sure what the dividing lines are for. 124,000 words is a bit on the long side, especially for YA. Also, how long is the query? Maybe it's just the way it appears on this forum, but it looks long.
Jay Greenstein
Posted: Saturday, August 20, 2011 2:48 AM
Save the synopsis for the synopsis. If you could tell the plot in this much space it wouldn't be much of a plot. Right? Think in terms of what the story is about, in terms like, learning to trust, or overcoming adversity, then expand on that.

Try breaking the entire thrust of the story into two sentences, the first informative the second a question, like: Rita has finally been released from prison, after serving ten years for a murder she did not commit—of a man who is still very much alive. Can Rita convince her friends and family that she didn't commit the crime, and keep from murdering her son's fiancée when she learns that the women was once the "he" that she was accused of killing?

Write that out and expand that to give you a query. Emotion based not fact based. Selling, not telling.
nancy lopez
Posted: Thursday, August 25, 2011 1:50 AM
Joined: 8/12/2011
Posts: 23

Thank you for all the great advice. My novel is now reduced to 119000 words. I have re-written the query based on the suggestions, which, were incredibly insightful! If possible, I would appreciate feedback on this new version.
P.S. Mr. Jay Greenstein, your advice rocks!

When seventeen-year-old Mia Slathe received the bafflings news she will be returned to her family in Florida afer twenty-two months of conducting unspeakble acts ordered by a shadowy covenant of Masters and Lords called the Order, she fears for her life, and formulates an intellectual melee to unearth answers that might lead to her salvation.

If Gabriel had not deceived her, she would not have found herelf in this dire situation. She followed the impulse of a naive heart, defied her parents, and said"I do". For a girl who had so much to live for, a brilliant future, the love of a family, she now had nothing.

Mia does not trust any one, she has no choice but to place faith in someone. Her journey home bestows two elite warriors from the Order rumored to be inhuman. Part of her strategy gains her insgiht when warrior Rainier Von Voss, surprisingly succumbs to her willing submission, unveling his own confessions of the heart. However, loyalty can be deadly when the game Whirlwind is played.

Time is running out, March 6 is around the corner, she will never, ever, give up fighting; but can she convince the warrior to break his oath and not kill her if Gabriel fails to show? Strange visions, a suppressed memory, and a creepy stalker suddenly blur the line between illusion and reality. What's worse is that the blurs also want her dead. And all this torment because he loved her..


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