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Query: A Case Study
Jack Whitsel
Posted: Saturday, June 4, 2011 7:46 AM
Joined: 5/7/2011
Posts: 35

Below is just the body of a Query letter. The rest has been omitted.

Let me know what you think, and I will the disclose the statistics associated with this query at a later date.


1) Identify the strength and weaknesses

2) Who is my target audience?

3) What type of Publisher am I looking for? (This is may not be as cut and dry as it seems)

When thinking about the above questions...remember...the first goal is to entice the Publisher to request your manuscript.

Happy Hunting! 

Jay... if you're out there...take a peek.

Steel and sorcery clash as the harhn incursion sweeps through the Hugue. Mankind faces its greatest peril without the Order Knights of legend to defend them. Crusading deep in the frontier, the Order is unaware of the savage beasts threatening their homeland as the Hugue realms muster their armies for war.


Between a cunning harhn sorcerer, and an alliance forged with the decadent darkfey, the horde threatens to extinguish the domains of men. The key to their success lies in the abilities of a small child unaware of her true power and future importance. Only Lord Baudouin and Lady Lucia, a Dragon Maiden from the Order, stand in the enemy’s path. One must find the strength to unify the realms. The other must discover the strength within her, while coming to terms with the agendas of her Order. But only together will there be any hope to repel the onslaught, and preserve the future for a mysterious girl they do not know.


Jay Greenstein
Posted: Wednesday, June 8, 2011 4:02 AM
I liked the second paragraph. My only comment there would be that since you tell the reader the lady’s special background I would have preferred a word on what power the lord commands. As far as I’m concerned that paragraph could be the entire blurb.

The first paragraph seemed to open with boiler-plate, and since we don’t know the nature of the threat or the kind of defense the missing knights give—given that there are armies gathering to take their place, it didn’t mean a lot. It reads like the paragraph was written with the expectation that the reader already knows the world in which it’s set, and is simply setting the scene for the actual pitch in paragraph two. Or, it could be a story set in someone else's world—a pitch for an episode to be produced next season for an existing series.

Target audience? People who enjoy playing D&D would go for it, but depending on the writing it could be YA, fantasy, or a film pitch.

• What type of Publisher am I looking for?

Polymancer Studios comes to mind if you’re marketing it as a game. If a book, Del Rey seems like a good choice.

Jack Whitsel
Posted: Wednesday, June 8, 2011 4:53 AM
Joined: 5/7/2011
Posts: 35

Nice insight Jay! I see your point in regards to the "lord's" credentials.
Didn't even thinking about a gaming studio for an audience...hmmm...interesting.

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